Ask Shula

What to do when boundaries start feeling like a fortress of solitude.

Dear Shula,

I’ve been doing a lot of inner work around boundaries and self-protection. After a few painful experiences, with friends, family members and potential romantic connections I’ve promised myself not to tolerate what doesn’t feel good or aligned. But lately, I’ve started wondering if I’ve gone too far.

When someone new gets close, I can feel myself pulling back - telling myself I’m “protecting my peace,” but also noticing the loneliness that comes with it. How do I tell the difference between setting a healthy boundary and building a wall that keeps love out?

- Guarded or Grounded?

Dear G or G,

Thank you so much for sharing this question. It’s one I’ve heard many variations of over the years - and for good reason. When we’ve struggled to set boundaries in the past, finally learning to hold them can feel exhilarating, even life-changing. There’s a deep relief that comes from creating peace for ourselves after years of overriding our own needs in order to be accepted, loved, or celebrated. For the first time, we stop letting unconscious surrender, pain and confusion dictate our relationships and start claiming space for our truth.

That said, it’s completely natural to overcorrect when we’re learning something new. If your boundaries were once too porous, you might now find yourself enforcing them in a more rigid way - saying “no” quickly and automatically where you might once have said “yes” out of habit. The fact that you’re noticing loneliness creeping in is actually an important signal. It suggests your boundaries may have shifted from protection to isolation.

This is where mindfulness can be your greatest ally. Try to use boundaries as a response to a person’s actual behavior, rather than a reaction to your past experiences or fears. A healthy boundary doesn’t have to be a wall; it can be a doorway with a lock - one that you can open or close as needed.

Healthy, flexible boundaries protect without disconnecting. They allow you to decide what to let in and what to keep out on a case-by-case basis. People with flexible boundaries tend to feel safer, less easily manipulated and also more open to genuine connection.

So maybe the next step isn’t about tightening or loosening boundaries, but about developing discernment. Who might deserve a little more time, curiosity, or openness from you before you decide they can’t be trusted with your heart? What information might you need to get from them in order to understand the place they might take in your life? Not everyone will get it right - and neither will we. But that’s part of learning how to love and be loved in a more balanced, conscious way.

And perhaps the deeper question is this: Do you trust your own judgment? If not, what might help you strengthen that trust so that your boundaries come from confidence, not fear?

Warmly,
Shula

P.S. I have a great resource that can help you build that trust and evaluate your boundaries available here.